life. what's going on. living, sometimes barely hanging on.

i think it wise not to divulge too much on the internet, for there are always roaming eyes and people with self-serving purposes and cruel intentions. and so, friends, it must stay vague.

to be frank, things have sucked lately. but life is one big battle uphill; the moment you feel you've reached a plateau, something's not right. and so up and up and up. push and push and push. i'm weary, i'm broken and i'm hurt. but no rest for the weary. there's always beauty in the ashes, so i keep pushing forward.

this thing, living, is a lot harder than i anticipated. i generally believe people mean only good, but it's become more and more obvious there are simply people out there who do not mean good, they mean only self-preservation, no matter who gets hurt in the process.

i don't like accepting that there are people who are not good, but i know it's a little girl dream to keep believing otherwise. i don't think my love of human kind is gone, but it sure is more difficult now to look at a person and just know, just know there's something beautiful and sincere inside of them.

then there are the people in this world who have so much good in them it seeps out of their pores. from your first look at them, you know they are full of giving, full of life, full of love. but even those people are not perfect, despite their best attempts at perfection. those people let you down, disappoint you and even break your heart.

it's hard when that happens to focus on the good, to remember they aren't part of the other group. their intentions are not evil; they just messed up. remember your bottom line, i hear a lot these days, your bottom line is love. and mercy, grace and forgiveness are all parts of love.

i told you it'd be vague.

'i wish we were farmers, i wish we know how to grow sweet potatoes and milk cows.' a life that seems not that impossible, really, but for me and my heart, who i am, i know it's not meant to be. not yet anyway. and not with cows, but eventually, with goats. for the mean time, i drive my daily commute, work my fantastic job and crawl the filthy city streets at day and return to my cookie cutter subdivision at night. because i'm meant to be exactly where i am, even though there's something deep inside of me that constantly says: run.

i realized a while ago that my calling, my dreams and my purpose in life won't just yet let me live in a far off place. i have to experience suburbia and a 9-5 before i can go on to other things. and so i'm okay with that, because i earnestly know it's where i'm supposed to be. for now.

but goodness, wouldn't things be easier for everybody if we lived more simply? too bad i realized my heart needs to live right in the middle of this modern mess, because that's how i'll change and be changed. if you start a ripple at the edge of a pond, it doesn't always reach the other side. there's a lot of water not covered because the ripple started so far away from the center of things. but if you start right in the middle, begin your ripple there, you have a lot more opportunities to cover a lot more water. and that's why i can't be a farmer right now.

i need patience, comfort and peace. i need to say and accept apologies. i need progression, not regression, in all the work i've done on myself over the past several years. i need help to progress. i need laughter and smiles, i do not need tears and sorrow. then again, tears and sorrow are always necessary, aren't they? then let me rephrase, i need a break from tears and sorrow. i wouldn't wish them to go away, because then i could not learn to be stronger. i need Jesus.

if you're the praying sort, please pray for me for these things. up and up and up. push and push and push.

is anyone still here? does anyone still read?

if so, it's been a long few months.  we've been through a lot, but we are okay.  kyle's mom passed away last week...she fought the good fight against breast cancer.  she is in a place now where no harm can come to her.

it's been difficult, but our faith is what keeps us going. our faith that she is at peace now, and that we will see her again.  she was an incredible woman who i wish more people would have known.  i never in my wildest dreams would have thought that a mother-in-law could be such a fun thing to have.  i never thought that by marrying kyle, i would become the daughter she had always hoped for.  she lived an incredible life, and blessed me in more ways than i can count.

this thing grief is a tricky one.  the emotions, the feelings...they vary minute by minute, always changing, and each is so consuming.  what is important is that we remember to just feel what we feel....ride it like a wave....and let it pass when it so chooses.  what helps me the most, what i cling to during these times, is her love, her smile and her desire to keep challenging herself.  it is these things which we must carry like a torch...we hold it high and proud. and this is what we remember her by....not by the last three months, not by cancer, but by her love of life, sports and Christ.

may angels bless and keep you, Karen.  i know you are forever watching over us.

dear mark cuban:

i hate dancing with the stars, but i will watch it so long as you are still on.

only because, i am rowdy, proud and loud. loud and proud. proud and loud? either way...

love and well wishings,

vanessa